


attenboroughs just shrieking "has nature gone too far" hes totally lost it dudes been in the jungle a long time dude doesnt even remember what his wifes face looks like anymore

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23612707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat's first date.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 35
Kudos: 214





	attenboroughs just shrieking "has nature gone too far" hes totally lost it dudes been in the jungle a long time dude doesnt even remember what his wifes face looks like anymore

KARKAT: FUCK!  
DAVE: whoa what  
KARKAT: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!  
DAVE: what happened bro are you ok  
KARKAT: NO I’M NOT FUCKING OK!  
KARKAT: I  
KARKAT: I  
KARKAT: ARRRRAGGHGH  
DAVE: ???  
KARKAT: I FORGOT THE *FUCKING* CUPS!  
DAVE: the cups  
KARKAT: YES!!!  
DAVE: haha oh my god dude cups thats it thats seriously what this shit fits about  
KARKAT: YES!  
DAVE: fucking incredible  
KARKAT: YEAH IT *IS* INCREDIBLE!  
KARKAT: INCREDIBLE HOW MUCH OF A *FUCKING* DISASTER THIS IS!  
DAVE: cmon karkat chill out its fine  
KARKAT: NO IT’S *NOT* FINE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DRINK OUT OF??  
DAVE: seriously its cool i got us covered  
KARKAT: HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE US “COVERED?”  
DAVE: uh how bout if i got cups  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: like if i just so happened to whip out two cups right now  
DAVE: one for you one for me  
DAVE: you think that counts as covered  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: I GUESS  
KARKAT: TECHNICALLY  
KARKAT: BUT  
DAVE: well then quit guessin dude  
DAVE: and check it out  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE *FUCK* AM I LOOKING AT HERE?  
DAVE: what do you mean karkat theyre cups  
KARKAT: NO THEY ARE *FUCKING* NOT, DAVE.  
DAVE: what are you talking about sure they are  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: THESE ARE SWEET BRO AND HELLA *FUCKING* JEFF STATUES.  
DAVE: i like to call em figurines actually  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: theyre collectibles  
KARKAT: WHO IN THE *FUCK* IS GONNA COLLECT THESE, DAVE?  
DAVE: well nobody now obviously but like back on earth if things had gone different i think they coulda caught on  
KARKAT: NO DAVE.  
DAVE: yeah well unfortunately well never know  
DAVE: its gonna have to remain a mystery that never gets answered  
DAVE: but lets be honest the real answer is obviously that these things woulda been hot shit  
DAVE: moms woulda been shankin each other on christmas eve tryna get the last one  
DAVE: arnold schwarzeneggers havin a madcap adventure  
DAVE: tickle me elmo?  
DAVE: never heard of her  
KARKAT: YOU ACTUALLY MADE THESE THINGS ON EARTH?  
DAVE: no no way i didnt have that kinda production capacity obviously  
DAVE: except in my dreams  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHERE THESE THINGS CAME FROM?  
KARKAT: YOUR FUCKING DREAMS?  
DAVE: i mean yeah thats where they were born obviously  
KARKAT: THAT MAKES A DEPRESSING AMOUNT OF SENSE.  
DAVE: yeah but they real quick outgrew my wildest expectations  
DAVE: theyve pretty much taken flight theyve gone beyond any kinda close minded definition of the word “figurine”  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: I WAS GONNA SAY  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: THEY’RE ALSO CUPS?  
KARKAT: APPARENTLY?  
DAVE: they are absolutely also cups  
KARKAT: SO THAT’S WHY THEIR MOUTHS ARE WIDE OPEN.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: AND FACING STRAIGHT UP.  
DAVE: yeah thats pretty much it  
DAVE: its like how a snake can unhinge its jaw to get a really big egg in its mouth  
DAVE: like an egg thats technically bigger than its own face  
KARKAT: UH HUH.  
DAVE: youre sittin there thinkin theres no WAY this snakes chowin down on that egg its finally met its match  
DAVE: david attenboroughs like just you fuckin wait sucker in that voice that sounds like a crumpets talkin out of a teapot but the teapots also been livin in the jungle for years so it really knows its shit when it comes to animals  
DAVE: and youre like i donno davey a im just not seein a clear path to this one  
DAVE: and hes like oh really how bout we check in with our little scaley friend  
DAVE: then lo an befucking hold that snakes got a suspiciously egg shaped neck and this super proud aura of achievement  
DAVE: attenboroughs just cacklin now  
DAVE: hes shriekin "has nature gone too far"  
DAVE: hes totally lost it dudes been in the jungle a looong time dude doesnt even remember what his wifes face looks like anymore  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING...  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: im sayin thats what these cups are like cmon karkat this isnt hard  
DAVE: the cups are the snakes  
DAVE: and the eggs are the tasteful sparkling apple juice i made for the occasion  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: its gonna work great  
KARKAT: THIS IS HORRIFIC.  
DAVE: yeah exactly  
KARKAT: NO, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS.  
KARKAT: THESE ARE THE BIGGEST PIECES OF SHIT I’VE EVER SEEN.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, I SAW THE FIRST ONE  
DAVE: the jeff one  
KARKAT: YEAH, WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: I SAW *THE JEFF ONE*  
KARKAT: AND I THOUGHT THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT I CAN EVER POSSIBLY SEE IN MY LIFE.  
DAVE: nice  
KARKAT: BUT THEN YOU FUCKING WHIPPED OUT THIS ONE-  
DAVE: ayyy  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: THE SWEET BRO ONE.  
DAVE: yeah thats right then what happened  
KARKAT: THEN LO AND BEFUCKING HOLD WHAT HAPPENED IS I WAS PROVED WRONG.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE MY *GOD* THIS IS A BIG PIECE OF SHIT.  
DAVE: which one is worse do you think  
KARKAT: I...  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.  
KARKAT: DAVE, THEY ARE BOTH SO AWFUL.  
KARKAT: OBJECTIVELY.  
DAVE: awesome yeah i couldnt really pick either  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU...  
DAVE: i just crossed a cup with one of my comics  
DAVE: actually  
DAVE: the first time i did that it came out 2d it was like four pixels wide  
DAVE: it was a thing of unholy beauty but it also couldnt really take up physical space so it couldnt hold any liquids like i couldnt exactly even pick it up unless i unfocused my eyes an concentrated really un-hard you know  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: so i had to splice in like a dozen real world cups to get it into a thing that inhabits our dimension something that can actually interact with volume and shit  
DAVE: turns out thats the golden ratio its 1 rad comic to 12 cups  
DAVE: but not like the measuring kind of cups this isnt a betty crocker recipe  
DAVE: its just literal actual cups i stole outta the kitchen  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SA-  
KARKAT: *THAT’S* WHY I FORGOT THE FUCKING CUPS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THERE FUCKING *WEREN’T* ANY!  
KARKAT: WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?  
DAVE: chill its fine theyre all hangin out by the alchemiter  
DAVE: i didnt like use them up or anything thats not how that works  
KARKAT: OK BUT  
KARKAT: ARG!  
KARKAT: NOW YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK AND GET THEM!  
DAVE: what why the fuck would i do that  
KARKAT: BECAUSE IT’S *YOUR* FUCKING FAULT WE DON’T HAVE ANY CUPS, DAVE!  
DAVE: uh no thats objectively untrue karkat  
DAVE: you got two totally rad and serviceable cups right here that i slaved hard over for this very occasion  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
KARKAT: YOU...  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING MADE THESE *FOR* OUR DATE??  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: UNBELIEVABLE.  
DAVE: wait karkat do you actually hate them  
KARKAT: I MEAN...  
KARKAT: THEY SUCK.  
DAVE: yeah i know thats the point  
KARKAT: THEY'RE SUCH PIECES OF SHIT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: THEY’RE FUCKING TOP HEAVY.  
KARKAT: THEY DON’T STAND UP ON THEIR OWN.  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: yeah they totally dont  
KARKAT: I MEAN, I GUESS YOU APPARENTLY WORKED REALLY FUCKING HARD TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT COULD ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH OUR PLANE OF EXISTENCE?  
KARKAT: SO THAT’S NICE.  
KARKAT: LIKE IT COULD SOMEHOW ACTUALLY BE WORSE.  
KARKAT: I GUESS I APPRECIATE THAT.  
DAVE: thanks man  
KARKAT: BUT I STILL THINK YOU STOPPED WAY FUCKING SHORT OF SOMETHING THAT MEETS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF THE WORD “CUP.”  
DAVE: karkat i dont understand youre sayin all this stuff like its a bad thing like its the kinda shit you DONT want on a date  
KARKAT: AUUUUGHH!  
KARKAT: I *DON’T!*  
DAVE: whoa what why the hell not this is perfect  
KARKAT: HOW???  
DAVE: are you kidding its because its exactly what you dont want on a date  
KARKAT: ?????????  
DAVE: cmon dude think about it  
DAVE: these things suck so much  
DAVE: you cant put them down theyre way too big in some places and way too small in all the others  
DAVE: also youre drinking directly out of their mouths its like the most horrific form of making out ever its gonna put you way off the whole idea  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: I AGREE WITH ALL OF THAT.  
DAVE: ok cool  
KARKAT: WAIT  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: dude what do you mean what  
DAVE: its perfectly bad  
DAVE: which means its perfectly good  
DAVE: it is the pinnacle of ironic date dishware  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK  
DAVE: cmon man this is just one level of irony this isnt advanced material this should be easy  
KARKAT: WAIT  
KARKAT: HOLD ON  
KARKAT: ARE YOU  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: OH FUCK!  
DAVE: wait whats wrong  
KARKAT: OH MY *FUCKING* GOD!  
KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I  
KARKAT: OF ALL THE SCUM BLASTING FUCKING BALLS UP STUPIDITY I HAVE *EVER*  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: AUUUUUUGHGHHGHG!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: holy shit karkat what is it  
DAVE: calm the fuck down dude  
DAVE: whats wrong tell me  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I KNEW THIS WAS TOO FUCKING GOOD TO BE TRUE!  
KARKAT: WOW, GREAT *FUCKING* JOB PAST KARKAT!  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY BLEW THIS ONE OUT OF THE WATER!  
KARKAT: YOU JUST WHIPPED OUT YOUR PATENTED LAWN RING BLOWING DEVICE AND AIMED IT STRAIGHT AT THE WATER AND BLEW IT RIGHT THE FUCK INTO SPACE!  
KARKAT: NOW ALL THAT’S LEFT IS A SAD MUDDY LAKE BOTTOM FULL OF FISH AND YOUR OWN STUPID IDIOTIC FUCKING HOPES AND DREAMS, WHEEZING AND FLOPPING AROUND AS THE LIFE RAPIDLY DRAINS OUT OF THEM IN THE COLD HARSH AIR!  
DAVE: dude karkat what the fuck is this about  
DAVE: youre freakin me out here i know these cups suck but this seems like a serious overreaction  
KARKAT: UGGGGHH  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
KARKAT: IS THIS A FUCKING...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: IS THIS AN *IRONIC* DATE??  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: IT IS!  
KARKAT: IT FUCKING IS!!!  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: of course its not  
DAVE: why are you-  
KARKAT: I SHOULD’VE KNOWN!  
KARKAT: I SHOULD HAVE *FUCKING* KNOWN THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD STOMACH THIS!  
DAVE: holy shit what  
KARKAT: BY SLATHERING TEN FUCKING LAYERS OF IRONY OVER THE TOP OF IT LIKE SOME SICK, TWISTED PASTICHE OF THE FUCHSIA BLOOD AND THE TINY SPHERE VEGETABLE!  
DAVE: what cmon karkat i said it was one layer of irony thats nothin that barely even counts  
KARKAT: AUUUUUUGHGHGGH!!!!!  
DAVE: oh my god dude calm down  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: hey cmere  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: !!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: cmon karkat breathe dude you can keep shitting yourself if you wanna but you do kinda have to still breathe  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: seriously man  
DAVE: this isnt an ironic date jesus do you honestly think id do that to you  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: fucking...  
DAVE: ugg  
DAVE: <3  
DAVE: i wanna be here ok karkat i promise  
DAVE: im not like making fun of you or anything  
DAVE: how can you possibly think id do that to you  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.  
KARKAT: I GUESS I JUST...  
KARKAT: I WANT YOU TO TAKE OUR FIRST DATE SERIOUSLY.  
DAVE: what im taking it so seriously  
KARKAT: NO YOU’RE NOT!  
DAVE: of course i am  
KARKAT: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO WANT IT TO BE SPECIAL!  
DAVE: i do!  
KARKAT: WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK...  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TRY TO MAKE IT IRONIC, ASSHOLE??  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: i guess uh  
DAVE: i guess that kinda...  
DAVE: is?  
DAVE: special to me?  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: yeah cmon do you seriously not know that about me karkat that is like my main thing i know this is our first official date or whatever  
KARKAT: OR WHATEVER???  
DAVE: dude you know what i mean  
DAVE: im sayin i kinda think we know each other pretty fucking well already  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: like youre still my best friend  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: right?  
KARKAT: YEAH, OF COURSE.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ok cool thats really good to hear actually  
DAVE: so just with that in mind like  
DAVE: i donno...  
DAVE: you know what im like you know the kind of bullshit im into  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: should i not be doing that stuff  
DAVE: like...  
DAVE: can we seriously not have fun anymore  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: like does it have to be all just like candles and shit  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: sorry i dont mean shit in a bad way oh my god dude oh no you probably brought so many candles didnt you  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: you totally did are they human candles or those flame beetle things  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: BOTH  
DAVE: haha aww how many candles are we talkin karkat  
KARKAT: UM  
DAVE: more than fifty  
KARKAT: ...MAYBE  
DAVE: oh my god bro thats adorable  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!  
DAVE: no cmon dude thats what im tryna say here thats super fucking cute and over the top and definitely somethin i can see you getting into  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: i like that about you  
DAVE: but its also funny as hell and kinda way overbearing and over the top romantic  
DAVE: and i love it i really appreciate it im so glad you did it honestly if you didnt THEN id be super worried something was up id be kinda scared you werent actually into this  
KARKAT: I AM-  
DAVE: no shut up i know you are  
DAVE: or i like really hope you are anyway  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: the point im tryna make is i still really wanna make fun of you for it  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: joke around about it  
DAVE: and just have a good time  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: is that  
DAVE: is that still  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: with you  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: YOU BEING AN ASSHOLE TO ME?  
DAVE: yeah like if you wanna put it in a real unfair way sure  
DAVE: but really i mean just giving each other shit and goofin off and like  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: being best friends  
DAVE: who uh  
DAVE: go on dates  
DAVE: and kiss  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: and maybe sometimes make special commemorative sparkling apple juice with extremely dope personalized illustrated labels  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
KARKAT: YOU DIDN’T...  
DAVE: yeah...  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT!  
KARKAT: THIS IS US?  
KARKAT: WE’RE THE APPLES?  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: AND WE’RE HOLDING HANDS?  
DAVE: thats pretty much it yeah  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
DAVE: do you like it  
KARKAT: HAHAHA YEAH I  
KARKAT: I DO.  
KARKAT: I LOVE IT.  
KARKAT: I MEAN IT’S A TOTAL PIECE OF FUCKING GARBAGE BUT...  
KARKAT: IT’S PERFECT.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: I DO STILL WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND, DAVE.  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ok  
KARKAT: BUT ALSO  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW  
KARKAT: ...YOUR MATESPRIT.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: ok good thats really awesome  
DAVE: thats just  
DAVE: so great  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: im sorry about the cups  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DON’T BE.  
KARKAT: I MEAN THEY'RE THE WORST.  
KARKAT: THEY’RE THE ACTUAL, LITERAL WORST.  
KARKAT: BUT  
KARKAT: IT WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU TO MAKE THEM.  
DAVE: thanks man  
KARKAT: DID YOU BRING ANYTHING ELSE?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: no  
KARKAT: HAHAHA  
DAVE: what the fuck you told me not to!  
DAVE: youre the big romantic master of ceremonies here dude  
DAVE: i wasnt gonna go steppin all on your toes are you kidding me  
DAVE: it took all i had in me just to hide all those cups  
KARKAT: OH WHAT THE FUCK?  
DAVE: i was spent after that dude i had nothin left to give  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT, DAVE.  
DAVE: but i bet you got all kinds of good romantic shit right  
KARKAT: YEAH OF FUCKING COURSE I DO!  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T AMATEUR HOUR, DAVE!  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: WATCH OUT!  
DAVE: oh my god a tablecloth  
DAVE: this is awesome  
DAVE: do you have picnic bask-  
DAVE: oh shit yes you do  
DAVE: haha whyd i even ask  
KARKAT: LAWNMEALS SEEM LIKE A PRETTY BIG THING IN EARTH MOVIES.  
KARKAT: SO I THOUGHT...  
DAVE: yeah it is for some reason a huge romantic earth deal  
DAVE: not really sure why maybe its like an innate human instinct like only the monkeys with the slickest picnic skills survived or somethin cuz im lovin this  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah man its perfect  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: ok so i may have  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: i didnt actually bring anything else  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: theres a chance i may have  
DAVE: written  
DAVE: a song  
KARKAT: A SONG?  
DAVE: ...yeah  
KARKAT: HOW HIGH ARE THOSE CHANCES?  
DAVE: uh theyre pretty fucking high actually  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
KARKAT: CAN I...  
KARKAT: CAN I HEAR IT?  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: how bout we eat first  
DAVE: im actually hella nervous and i might actually pass out if i dont eat something soon  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: YEAH  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: ME TOO.  
DAVE: heh  
KARKAT: HAHA  
KARKAT: CAN YOU UM  
KARKAT: HAHA OH MY GOD, CAN YOU POUR SOME JUICE IN THOSE MONSTROSITIES' MOUTHS?  
DAVE: yeah im on it  
DAVE: god damn these things are amazing  
KARKAT: THEY’RE DEFINITELY SOMETHING.  
DAVE: ha  
KARKAT: HAHA  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: this is really nice  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: IT IS.  
DAVE: im uh  
DAVE: im really happy were doing this  
KARKAT: ME TOO.  
DAVE: :)  
KARKAT: (:B  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: <3  



End file.
